Unreality Companion: The Weirdest Christmas Stories Ever Told

In which I expand on the content from my weekly Unrealitymag.com article.

This week at Unreality I dove into one of the most head-scratchingly bizarre films ever made: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  And no, I'm not making this up.  There is, in fact, a movie where Santa Claus is kidnapped by Martians and becomes embroiled in an attempted coo of the Martian king.

It got me thinking, however, that this isn't really all that a-typical of Christmas movies.  Hollywood churns out so many Christmas movies every year, hoping to wrestle away a precious few holiday dollars away from the public, that, statistically, the bizarre slew of Christmas that we get on a yearly basis is inevitable.

I thought, being that time of year again, that I would spend some time detailing the weirdest, most enigmatic Christmas films ever made.  So here they are, the five other most insanely produced Christmas movies ever to be filmed.

5 - Jack Frost (1997)  Why anybody ever thought that there was a profitable demographic to exploit between those who love Christmas and those who love slasher films, I'll never know.  The film boldly dares to answer the hard-hitting holiday questions that have tasked man's minds for centuries; no, not "is there really a Santa Claus" nor "if I behave solely for material game, can I really be considered a 'good boy,'" but "what would happen if Frosty the Snowman was more like Jason Vorhees."

The film opens with a grotesque parody of "The Night Before Christmas" that includes the lines "Jack was nimble, / Jack was quick.  / Jack gouged eyes out with candle sticks."  I mean, who is this film even for?  Your typical Christmas movie-goer wants to see Christmas Vacation or A Christmas Story, not Olaf going on a Michael Meyers-styled murder spree through small town America.  Likewise, horror fans want their films dressed up in something other than a carrot nose and two eyes made out of coal.

4 - Santa with Muscles (1996)  The nineties were a bygone era where men were men and Santa was ripped.  The same year that gave us Jingle All the Way also gave us this little gem, starring wrestler cum actor Hulk Hogan.  I would have to imagine that most people, if tasked with creating a holiday-themed Hogan-lead film would not have come up with anything half as bizarre as this.

While trying to escape from the police, Blake Thorn ducks into a mall and changes into a Santa costume.  After falling down a garbage chute, he hits his head and gets amnesia - making him believe that he is, in fact, the real Santa Claus.  And, when a mad scientist tries to gain control of an orphanage in order to - I kid you not - steal the magic crystals underneath the building, it's up to Santa to stop him... with muscles... because nineties.

3 - Elves (1989)  So it turns out that Hitler did not imagine his master race to be blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans afterall, but half-human / half-elf cross-breeds.  When a pagan ritual resurrects the demonic creatures, the last pure-blooded Aryan virgin in the world is kidnapped in order to become the unwilling mother of Hitler's true dream.

I  think that we've finally convinced the film industry that the internet is not frightening.  If only we could do the same thing with Christmas.  At the very least I would settle for not shoe-horning in Nazi's for the lack of a real villain.  And weirdly enough, I honestly think that there is an interesting cinematic space for evil elves, even in a Christmas-set film.  It's just not these specific ones.

2 - Santa's Slay (2005)  It turns out that Santa Claus is not the jolly old elf that everybody seems to think he is.  He's actually a demon who lost a deal with an angel one thousand years ago.  Under the terms of their agreement, he is forced to bring love and good cheer to all the people of the Earth through selfless deeds for the next one thousand years.  But now the terms of his bet have been fulfilled, and Santa has some pent up frustrations to let out.

Let me say this one more time for the film producers reading this: Christmas is NOT scary.  That goes doubly for over-thought dreck like Santa's Slay, which tries too hard to convince its audience that a bearded fat man is menacing enough to straight-up murder people with icicles and go around in a dirty wife-beater.  It combines what are easily the worst and most ludicrous elements of Santa with Muscles and Elves (only thankfully without the Nazis) into a schlocky, unwatchable mess.

1 - Santa Claus (1959) This is it, the big one: the Citizen Kane of "what the fuck were they thinking" films.  It's certainly not nearly as bad as The Room, as stupid as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians nor as blatantly against the spirit of the holiday as half of the movies on this list, but what it lacks for in those respects, it makes up for in sheer confundity.

Santa is busy at work in the few remaining days before Christmas, completing orders of Earth-bound toys in his castle in Space.  Satan has had quite enough of Saint Nick, however, and enlists a demon to turn the children of the world against Santa, convincing a group of children to steal, vandalize and generally misbehave.  Troubled by these events, but forbidden to leave his castle before Christmas Eve, Santa uses his high-tech gizmometry in order to spy on the childrens' dreams, causing him to discover that they're being tormented into submission to Satan's malign will.  Merlin, the Arthurian wizard and Santa's most trusted advisor, assists him in accessing a doorway through Vulcan to the Earth in order to save Christmas from the Devil.

So what Christmas movies are you going to watch this holiday season?  Are there any bizarre choices that I neglected to mention above?  Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comment section below.

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