Unreality Companion: Modern Horror Classics

In which I expand on the content from my weekly Unrealitymag.com article.

As I already mentioned somewhere across the internet, today is Halloween, a time when horror is never more in-demand and sought after.  It seems a high likelihood that many people reading this will be watching a horror film from under the covers at some point tonight.  But since I already explored why Blumhouse Productions is the premiere name in post-millennial horror earlier this month, and what I was hoping for in the growing Conjuring franchise just last week, I found myself at a loss for what to talk about this week - today - for Halloween itself.  It strikes me that every year, somebody (usually somebodies) ask me for a good horror recommendation.  And since I already covered the supreme classic at Unreality, I thought that I would mention my favorite post-Millennial horror films, many of which simply get lost among the shuffle.

Pulse (2001) - The inclusion of Pulse will doubtless confuse many long-time readers.  Wasn't that the same movie that I gave a 6 out of 10 to last December?  And yes, it is.  I would, however, be remiss if I failed to mention it on this list, as it is easily one of the most interesting films that I have ever had the privilege to see.  The film's central theme is that modern technology - for all of its conveniences and ways that it eases in communication - isolates, rather than connects.  Like Dawn of the Dead, Pulse postulates that the afterlife is a dimension of finite space, and that now that it's full, the dead are scouring the Earth, using our technology as the conduit for their return.  Like all of us, they incessantly crave human contact, only to result in our mutual self destruction when they actually achieve it.  It is a haunting reflection of the role modern technology plays in our lives and the inherent risks we assume by relying on its perceived benefits.

28 Days Later (2002) - Without a doubt, 28 Days Later is the greatest horror film to be made this century: a singular masterpiece that reinvigorated the listless zombie sub-genre in its 113 minute run time.  While "fast" zombies had been done before, they had never been done so well, nor so visibly as Danny Boyle's riveting vision of a world in which Britain was overrun by "Infected" - ordinary men and women exposed to the Rage Virus, which causes hyper-aggression, rabies-like symptoms and its victim to projectile-vomit blood.  It is an intensely frenetic film whose incredible cast and brilliant director perfectly capture the visceral potential of horror.

Ju-On: The Grudge (2002) - More tragic that viscerally terrifying, The Grudge is a slow-burning horror film: unrelentingly intensifying from its opening scene to its end credits.  It's easy to view the film's haunting in purely Western terms - an antagonistic family of specters tormenting their hapless living victims - but it's really far more than that.  It is a depiction of a cycle of violence that nobody, living or dead, is equipped to break: a family of spirits forced to repeat the vicious scenes that defined their lives in death, unintentionally drawing the living into their tragedy and just as unintentionally dispatching them.

Shaun of the Dead (2004) - Although far more comedic than it is horrific, Shaun of the Dead never-the-less succeeds at both simultaneously: poking fun of the genre that it itself is a perfect addition to.  It's the kind of horror film that even non-horror fans get excited about: something incessantly funny, intelligently written and showing off a deceptively good cast.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006) - Of the recent resurgence of comedic horror films, I always felt that Behind the Mask was criminally overlooked.  I only found out about it because of a horror themed film class that I took, and even then I had to rent it before I could see more than just a partial scene from it.  The film combines the familiar tropes of the slasher sub-genre with that of a mockumentary: following an optimistic killer on the eve of his first murder spree.  Its journalistic framework allows the title character to analyse his own genre  in a manner that is far less obtrusive to the narrative than the similarly themed Scream.  It's intelligent, insightful and comes together in a way that makes is just as hilarious as it is horrifying.

Frontier(s) (2007) - Frontier(s), or as I prefer to call it, The Parisian Chainsaw Massacre, succeeds at updating The Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the twenty-first century without seeming purely derivative of it.  After rioting breaks out in Paris over a heated election, a young group of criminals escape to the country, where they hope to regroup after a robbery.  The inn where they stay, however, is run by an inbred family of Nazis, who take issue with their colorful new customers.  Although it strays into a sub-plot involving the rejected, deformed children living in the mines surrounding the inn, it is nevertheless an incredibly potent and memorable addition to its genre.

Grindhouse (2007) - For a while, Grindhouse held the title of my favorite overall film.  Although it has fallen from that esteemed position, it is never-the-less an easy favorite of mine, especially within its genre.  A genuine double-feature, Grindhouse features a pair of interconnected films directed by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino: the first a riotously hilarious take on zombie films, the second a high octane, feminist, victim-cum-avenger action-horror film with Tarantino's trademark dialog.  While the former is easily superior to the latter in terms of both its all-in attitude toward making a latter-day grindhouse film and its overall quality, the two are best when working in tandem with one another: replicating a B-grade cinematic experience with A-list talent.

Let the Right One In (2008) - Director Thomas Alfredson set out with to make an anti-Hollywood film, and has in every way succeeded.  Defying common sense in a genre defined by depicting the horrific acts of depravity of otherworldly monsters, Let the Right One In de-emphasizes the supernatural violence of its vampiric antagonist and instead chooses to focus on the everyday human-on-human violence of its otherwise mundane characters.  The result is a hauntingly poetic tale of a human boy seduced by the friendship of the only person in his bleak world who seemingly cares for him.  The romance is sweetly understated and impossibly unconventional, creating a story that is as potentially tragic as it is enrapturing.

The Strangers (2008) - Arguably based off the 2006 French film Them, The Strangers brought American horror films back to their  roots of tension as the mechanism of horror, rather than gratuitous gore and violence: even before Blumhouse Productions perfected this style of horror for the twenty-first century.  The story is simple, but the execution is sublime: slowly building its torment of a young couple into a frantic scramble for survival, chillingly for no more reason than the simple fact that they were home at the time.  Its understated direction is an immeasurably refreshing change of pace for the at-the-time bluntly executed and largely overwrought American horror style.

Quarantine (2008) - Based off of the far less engaging Spanish film [REC], Quarantine is the best-executed found footage horror film that I have ever seen.  It's frightening, claustrophobic and - most notable of all - its use of the camera as a source of light and night vision never brings into question the reason for why the protagonists keep filming (praise which I most recently levied against The Sacrament).  The final scare, in fact, is so intense that I had to clamp my hands over Becky's mouth just to keep her from screaming when I showed it to her in my dorm room back when I was the RA (I can't even imagine what my residents thought I was doing to her).

Zombieland (2009) - I almost considered not mentioning this film due to its omnipresent popularity, but decided that to do so would belittle this list's stated purpose of presenting the best horror films of the last fourteen years.  Zombieland is intelligent, funny and terrifying in equal measure.  Its cast is pitch perfect, especially for Bill Murray's surprising and instantly memorable cameo.  If not for Cabin in the Woods and Grindhouse, I would argue it being horror-comedy's unquestionable masterpiece.

The Last Exorcism (2010) - This is one of the two films on this list that all credit goes to Becky for showing me (the other being Grave Encounters).  Another found footage film, this time with the pretense of being a documentary about an exorcist's last hurrah amid his growing concerns over his faith, it likewise doesn't breed doubts as to why they continue with their set-upon framework.  Its characters are organic, as is their inherent doubts over the validity of exorcisms (focusing on its use as a placebo for individuals who are as deeply religious as they are deeply disturbed).  The ending, which I won't give away, is both as telegraphed as The Prestige's and as shocking as The Sixth Sense's.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - This is one that I know will earn me a lot of flack for including it: a poorly received remake of a revered and iconic 80's horror film.  And I have to admit that I was skeptical when I first saw it too.  But, like Zombieland, I would be remiss to exclude it from this list, given that it is hands down the best Nightmare on Elm Street film out there (another opinion that sure to draw die-hard horror fans' ire).  The issue with the first film has always been that it rapidly loses steam after its terrifying opening sequence.  It's never a bad film - never near it, in fact - but it does devolve into a Home Alone-styled home defense climax, which is sillier than it is scary.  The remake not only doesn't suffer from this drawback (which would have earned my esteem just by itself) but features a far superior cast to the original, including then-unknown Rooney Mara as the film's protagonist and Jackie Earl Haley as the iconic Freddy Krueger, who owes more to the originally conceived Freddy Kruger (a horrifically burned child molester) than what the studio's dumbed him down to being (a somewhat burned child murderer).  What this film lacks in originality it makes for in intensity.

Grave Encounters (2011) - This is the second Becky-selected film to make the list, and one that loyal readers may remember from last Halloween.  The film follows the crew of an ill-fated ghost hunting expedition as they're tormented by the malevolent spirits (and demon) that dwell in an abandoned mental asylum.  Unlike the other two found footage films on this list, the protagonists had the foresight to plant steady cams throughout the asylum, meaning that they don't have to keep up with the pretense of them constantly filming every second of the film when they're being attacked by very real spiritual adversaries.  While it starts off slow, it does reach a satisfying end when the inevitability of their fate sets in.

Sinister (2012) - On the surface, Sinister just seemed stupid: the villain actually lived inside of the images made of him.  It was a sobering lesson in execution over conception, however, and my first real understanding of Blumhouse Productions as a real player in the horror genre.  It is tense, constrictive and absolutely terrifying, so much so that after showing this to one friend, and after chasing it with the happy-go-lucky Megamind, she still suffered from horrific nightmares all night, later swearing off horror entirely.  This film is not for the casual horror fan, but for those actively looking to be scared as much as possible.

The Cabin in the Woods (2012) - This is it: horror-comedy's money shot.  It is yet another film that doesn't need to be listed, but all the same will be.  The Cabin in the Woods is probably the best written film I'll mention on this post, and it's small wonder why (hint: it rhymes with Boss Sweden).  And, heretical as it may be to say, I'm actually happy that Whedon didn't direct this, if only because Drew Godard is so amazing behind the camera.  That, and his decision to go balls-to-the-wall on physical effects whenever they were possible has given the horror genre its answer to Christopher Nolan.  Seriously, check out some of the special features where they talk about how little CG they used.  I can only hope that Godard's Sinister Six builds on his success here.

Oculus (2014) - And so we come to the final film on this list: Blumhouse's most recent film that's not based off of The Conjuring.  This is easily the genre's best-directed film since Halloween: intercutting past and present events until they are completely indistinguishable from one another.  It is tense, riveting and absolutely terrifying through its final moments.  This is an absolute must-see not only of 2014 (where it's my current third favorite film) or its genre, but among movies period.

Now, this is not to say that these are the only recent horror films worth seeing (note the absence of The Conjuring), but that these are simply the best.  What recent horror films are your favorites?  Which ones should have been left off the list, or added onto it?  What horror films are you going to watch tonight when the night grows dark and the trick-or-treaters peter out?  Please share your thoughts in the comment sections below.

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Piece of the Puzzle: American Horror Story: Freakshow S4 E3 - Edward Moordrake Part 1

In which I review the latest episode of American Horror Story: Freakshow.

It's that time of the year again - time for the annual American Horror Story Halloween episode.  These have always been a highlight of the season for me, and I'm not 100% sure why.  It's not the horrific themes, since those are a mainstay of the show's every episode.  I'm almost tempted to say that it's because they save their best stand-alone narrative for the time when good horror is at a premium, but even that serves only to belittle the rest of the series.  For whatever reason, though, they never fail to disappoint.

Following Meep's death, Ethel Darling has received a terminal diagnosis: Cirrhosis of the liver.  Nevermind that she hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in years, she will be dead within the year.  Meanwhile, a charlatan fortune teller is hired onto the freakshow, intent on harvesting the Tattler twins for display in a failing freak museum that promises not to ask any questions about how the specimen came into their hands.  The girl's audition convinces Elsa that she's bound for a late-in-life surge of fame and success, for which she insists on rehearsing new material right away, not caring that it's Halloween night: a time that, according to Carney lore, no freakshow must perform, lest they summon the spirit of the two-headed Edward Moordrake.  Her rehearsal does exactly that, and now he scours the freakshow looking for a the perfect freak to take back to Hell with him.

As Freakshow begins settling into its narrative, I'm increasingly convinced that this is hands down the series' best season.  Kathy Bates is resplendent as the guilt-ridden Ethel, whose back story is finally revealed in full: a one-time celebrated freak who fell on hard times due to Dell's reckless mismanagement and exploitation of their child - including selling tickets to Ethel's "live freak birth" and letting anybody with 25 cents to burn the chance to hold "the monster baby."  Watching Ethel come to terms with the inevitability of her immediate death, turn to alcohol to help her cope and break down as the summoned Edward Moordrake delicately demands to know her story is simply incredible to watch: the perfect marriage of impeccable writing and Kathy Bates' immeasurable talent as an actress.

The character of Edward Moordrake is as unsettling of one as any American Horror Story has ever produced.  Told in an old-timey flashback, his story is as tragic as it is horrific, and his return to the world of the living even more so.  His mannerisms and speech are spot-on for a well-bred Victorian lord and the incessant whispering of his second head supremely unnerving.  His ghostly stalking of Mars' freakshow, acting as the otherworldly arbiter of the performers' sins, is the perfect secondary narrative for a Halloween-themed episode: his patient witness to the freaks testimony offering a previously unavailable window into the back stories of Elsa Mars' ghoulish menagerie.

The lead in to the episode - the pair of con artists trying to sell fraudulent bits of freak anatomy, in turn being hired to secure authentic ones - is the latest development in the series' social commentary about the exploitation of those without the civil and legal channels to defend themselves, a subject that I previously mentioned being a particular sticking point of mine.  So-called freaks, exploited and hated in life, are priceless when dead, stuffed and put on display.  That they could be poached like African game is an insufferably cruel, yet brilliantly spot-on, turn for the show.

As always, one of the show's breathtaking highlights is the freaks musical performances.  While we got the Tattler's duet of Fona Apple's "Criminal" in Massacres and Matinees, which we have not seen since she sang David Bowie's "Life on Mars" in Monsters Among Us.  This time, she takes on Lana Del Rey's perfectly apropos "Gods & Monsters," heralding Edward Moordrake's arrival in the freakshow.

And, finally Dandy Mott's newfound partnership with Twisty highlights the duality of the character: the impotent rage of him in his domestic trappings and his savage cruelty toward his helpless victims.  In a brilliant stroke of direction, they set him up directly as an inept Michael Meyers: dressing him in a clown costume, then following him with a point-of-view tracking shot as he puts on a plastic clown mask, grabs a knife and ultimately can't bring himself to kill the insufferably unimpressed servant that he professes to hate.  While his sadomasochistic turn against his victims still reeks of that petulant child in the clown mask, his sadistic actions prove more than adequate for his newfound role as Twisty's deranged sidekick.

I am immensely impressed with this episode: possibly the show's best episode overall.  And the best part is that it's a two-part narrative, meaning that there's still more to come.  The narrative is developed, nuanced and executed far better than any other on the show and I can't wait to see how it is concluded.  I give the episode a high 9.5 out of 10.

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Extra, Extra!: Marvel's Phase Three Line-Up

In which I report on the latest in entertainment news.

It's official.  When Marvel announced their film lineup for their upcoming Phase 3, they broke the internet: or at least my news feed.  Within minutes, Facebook exploded with a mix of official reports, independent commentary and friends' reactions, my personal favorite being

I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of CAPTAIN MARVEL MOVIE

Princess Sparklyfists on the big screen!

 I thought that I would briefly spend some time going over the lineup and what we already know (or can reasonably guess) about it.  In the name of brevity (relative as it is, given that I'm about to discuss nine movies), I'll try to limit myself to no more than two paragraphs each.

Marvel's Phase 3

Captain America: Civil War - I bet that DC's happy with their decision to back down from the previously named Captain America 3's release date.  The story of Civil War - one of Marvel's best received and most memorable cross-overs - is so sprawling, so nuanced and so epic in scope that I'm honestly surprised that they didn't wait to make it an Avengers sequel.  And with both Captain America and Iron Man set to square off against each other - and with Black Panther and potentially Doctor Strange both appearing before their solo movies are released - it basically already is.  I honestly expect Civil War to earn Avengers-level money.  It's just that big a deal.

Civil War centers around the Superhero Registration Act.  After public sentiment for superheroes begins plummeting (for the MCU, think of The Hulk's rampages, Hydra's infiltration of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Black Widow's post-S.H.I.E.L.D. senate hearings), the Commission on Superhuman Activities pushes the bill through congress: legally bringing all superheroes under the yoke of the federal government.  Tony Stark supports the bill, believing that superheroes need to be trained and answerable to more than their own consciousness.  Steve Rogers, however, balks at the blatant curtailment of civil rights (as in Captain America: The Winter Soldier), forms an outlaw band of heroes known as The Secret Avengers, and squares off against both the United States government and Iron Man.

Captain America vs Iron Man.  FIGHT!

Doctor Strange - With final talks starting on who's going to play the titular hero, Doctor Strange has been on everybody's minds lately.  Although Ethan Hawke, Juaquin Phoenix and even Ryan Gosling of all people were allegedly approached about the project, all signs point to Benedict Cumberbatch taking up the good doctor's mantle in 2016.  Given that the MCU has done its best to keep all of its franchises scientifically focused, even making Thor answerable to Clarke's Third Law - "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - it's going to be incredibly interesting to see what they do with a character whose powers are defined as inherently magical.

Name-dropped as a target for Zola's algorithm in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Dr. Stephen Strange is a renowned neurosurgeon met with a terrible fate.  After a car accident mangles his hands, ensuring that he will never practice surgery again, he goes on a soul-searching quest to across the world to a mystical temple, where he is trained in the mystical arts, becoming the Sorcerer Supreme: mankind's first defense against supernatural assault.

Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange: The Sorcerer Supreme.

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - The first Guardians of the Galaxy tracked so well with test audiences that its sequel was announced before it was actually released.  And, after seeing how needlessly awesome that movie was, there should be no question in anybody's mind as to why.  Owing as much to Star Wars as it does to Firefly, it proved to be funny, touching and balls to the wall weird without ever seeming forced or out of place.

We don't know anything of the actual plot of the film yet, but there are some basic guarantees that I think are pretty safe bets.  Thanos, who already featured as the villainous mastermind behind The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, and who will invariably headline in Infinity Wars Part 1 and Part 2, is bound to be a key player in Guardians of the Galaxy 2.  As has already been revealed, he is scouring the universe for the Infinity Stones - ancient artifacts that bestow indomitable power to those capable of wielding them.  Each controls a different aspect of the universe - soul, time, space, mind, reality and power - and when combined in the Infinity Gauntlet (depicted in the vaults of Asgard in Thor), they grant their wielder omniscience, omnipotence and a variety of other God-like abilities.  Since we've already seen the Power Stone (the purple gem in Guardians of the Galaxy), Space Stone (the Tesseract in The Avengers), the Reality Stone (the AEther from Thor: The Dark World) and presumably the Mind Stone (Loki's scepter from The Avengers), it's an extremely safe bet that the plot will center around Thanos attempting to obtain one or more of the remaining stones (or possibly raiding Xandar for the Power Stone secured there).

Thor: Ragnarok - With Thor now a permanent resident of Midgard and Loki sitting on the throne of Asgard in Odin's guise, Thor 2 shook the franchise to its very foundations.  It's a safe bet that Odin himself is already dead, although I wouldn't put it past Loki to imprison his adopted father in the exact manner that he was (perhaps likewise glamoured into appearing to be Loki).  With Loki in power (and subsequently in possession of the Tesseract and the Infinity Guantlet), where his ambitions lead him from here is anybody's guess.

Although I am less versed on Thor than on other Marvel characters, it's interesting to note that Ragnarok is the name of a cybernetic Thor clone from Civil War.  Given that we already have Captain America: Civil War preceding this, this could very well address the fallout from that film.  Given that Age of Ultron is seemingly about Tony Stark reviving Captain America: The Winter Soldier's Project Insight (or an offshoot of that), perhaps this is a natural extension of that: superheroic drones to replace their flesh and blood counterparts.  In the comics, Ragnarok eventually malfunctions, thinking that he is, in fact, the real Thor, which would lead to one Hell of a showdown between the two on Midgard.  Alternatively, this could simply be a reference to the Norse End of Days, which would lead to a much different kind of film.

Black Panther - Given the militant civil rights group that shares its name, I'm half surprised that Marvel didn't opt to name it Panther or T'Challa instead.  But this is what I love about Marvel: they embrace their wild, crazy, off-putting and nonsensical canon for what it is.  How else would you explain why they ever decided to make Guardians of the Galaxy into a movie, with all of its weirdness in tact?  The fact that they've already signed the incredibly talented Chadwick Boseman, who headlined last year's 42: The Jackie Robinson Story, to a five film contract that allegedly begins with an appearance in Civil War, is just icing on the cake.

T'Challa is the prince of Wakanda, an African nation that is the world's only source of Vibranium, the metal from which Captain America's iconic shield is made.  So in case you were worried about Cap's shattered shield from Age of Ultron, relax; he's bound to get a new one made now.  Given his debut in Civil War, that might actually set up the plot for his first solo venture: teaming up with Cap to replace his shield (similar to how The Winter Soldier saw him team up with Black Widow and Falcon), lame though it is having to share your first film with a more established hero.  The film might likewise feature the internal workings and politics of Wakanda: an isolationist nation that largely relies on its "lost civilization" mystic as a cover to keep outsiders away, a fact that Black Panther has often been at odds with.

Captain Marvel - Although Captain Marvel has historically referred to the male hero Mar-Vell, it is far more likely that the film refers to the more popular iteration of the hero and current bearer of that title Carol Danvers, aka Ms. Marvel, aka Princess Sparklyfists.  While her colorful history is too long and too complicated to deal with here in only two paragraphs, you should definitely be sure to check it out.  It's a little weird and all sorts of crazy.

While Danvers' story basically begins basically as a tangential off-shoot of the original Captain Marvel, I'm pretty sure that her origins will be streamlined to include aspects of her predecessor's back story so that she's not simply the female equivalent of a hero that the movie-going public is largely unaware of (or, if they are, largely don't care about).  So whether she's actually an alien soldier cum superhero or a human injured in a superpowered explosion which in turn grants her powers - or some variation on the often-used-to-justify-superheroes-in-the-MCU SSR Super Soldier Serum (the one that gave Cap' his powers) - she's bound to get special attention as Marvel tries desperately to make their first solo female hero (and de facto answer to DCs already announced Wonder Woman movie due to come out the year before).

Inhumans - I'll admit it.  I know essentially next to nothing about Inhumans going into this.  They're a group of which I have heard of occasionally, and more recently heard on Marvel fans' wish list of movie adaptations - which is only slightly more than I knew about Guardians of the Galaxy going into that movie.  Still, if there's one thing that Marvel seems exceptionally good with, it's bringing to the mainstream obscure titles, heroes and groups that have little to no appeal outside of the world of comic books.

After the Kree - the blue alien race that prominently featured in not only Guardians of the Galaxy but Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. as well - first arrived on Earth millions of years ago, they began experimenting on nascent homo sapiens in order to, among other things, create an army of mutated super soldiers, a project that they abandoned.  The results of their labors, Inhumans, formed an secluded society that existed in secrecy from the world until very recently.  Lead by their king Black Bolt, they have had on-again off-again dealings with mainstream society, including several Inhumans intermittently joining groups such as The Fantastic Four and The Avengers.  Given that Marvel does not own the exclusive film rights to X-Men (and can only include some members, such as Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, in Avengers movies because they technically share the film rights to them with Fox), this seems to be their answer to their current legal stand-off: pitting their group of Disney-owned mutants against their more popular cousins.

The Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 and Part 2 - And, at long last, we cap off Phase 3 with an unprecedented two-part Avengers finale.  This is it, folks, this is the end game that Marvel's been working towards since the beginning (or at least since the Tesseract's first appearance in Captain America: The First Avenger).

Infinity War is bound to be Thanos' incursion against the Earth in order to complete his collection of Infinity Stones.  Remember, it's believed that Loki's Chitauri scepter - which he received from Thanos - is believed to contain The Mind Stone.  It also, incidentally, is still secured on Earth, courtesy of Captain America: The Winter Soldier's post credit scene.  It seems pretty clear to me that Thanos, Gauntlet and other stones in hand, will lead a invasion force against the Earth for the final stone, only to confront The Avengers and quite possibly the Guardians of the Galaxy as well.  The duology suggests that Thanos will succeed at nabbing the stone in Part 1, transforming him into a nigh-omnipotent being, only to be put down in Part 2: providing a suitable cliffhanger to leave Part 1 on and a satisfying denouement for Part 2.  How the two teams will function together - let alone how The Avengers will function post-Civil War - remains to be seen, but it's bound to be one Hell of a show.

So there you have it: a preliminary breakdown of Marvel's Phase 3.  Obviously there's a lot more to discuss as more information becomes available, but right now we're left with little more than their titles and release dates.  Box Office Mojo predicts that the nine films will earn Marvel over nine billion dollars, averaging out at 1 billion dollars each (although I have to imagine that Civil War and the two Avengers films will makeup for any deficits in the others' intake).

Which movie (or movies) are you most looking forward to in Phase 3?  Who should be cast in the films' major roles?  Is there anything about Phase 3 that worries you?  Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Date Night: The Last Stand

In which I review a randomly-selected movie on Netflix with Becky.

Of the recent trend of retro-action movies headlined by rapidly aging 80's action stars, The Last Stand is probably the one that I was most looking forward to: a fit and muscular Schwarzenegger  shooting up a small desert town with the reckless abandon of model 800 Terminator, all while quipping about how he feels old.  We've certainly come a long way from the limp and sagging Governator we had to endure in Rise of the Machines.  Between that and the fact that The Sacrament was so surprisingly good, I thought that I could ease back on poking fun of Becky's method of picking out movies.

Sadly, it doesn't look like Becky will get any breaks for picking out Crockzilla.

When cartel boss Gabriel Cortez escapes from federal custody in a Chevrolet Corvette C6 ZR1 at speeds exceeding 200 miles per hour, the FBI race to beat him to the Mexican border.  His plan isn't to make it to a heavily reinforced border crossing that is expecting him well in advance, but to construct a bridge crossing into Mexico where the canyons  are thinnest: just outside of Sommerton Junction, Arizona.  When Sommerton Junction sheriff Ray Owens uncovers the plot, resulting in the death of one of his deputies, nothing will stop him from arresting the men responsible.

The Last Stand is a movie that had everything going from it: a reinvigorated Arnold Schwarzenegger, a universally under-used Forrest Whitaker, up-and-coming female action star Jaime Alexander (Lady Sif from the Thor films and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and Johnny Knoxville - who is consistently funny despite himself.  It had a suitably 80s set-up, promising fast cars and excessive explosions.  It didn't even look to take itself too seriously, incorporating some self-directed meta-humor concerning the age of its star.

Despite everything it had going into production, however, it never quite seemed to coalesce into a workable film.  While it's never exactly a bad one, it is likewise never near being a good one.  The films parallel plots - investigating a curmudgeonly old farmer's murder and Cortez's desperate bid for the Mexican border - don't really come together the way that you'd hope that they would.  Sheriff Owens' back story seems more necessitated by nostalgia than by the plot and the on-the-ground villain is easily the most forgettable character in the film (and I am including Deputy So-and-So who valiantly died to motivate his coworkers into actually doing their job).

When Cortez actually makes it to Sommerton Junction, the resulting standoff between him and Owens lacks the visceral thrills of the movies that its trying to emulate: merely sloshing through the tired motions of what an action genre climax is supposed to look like.  We get car chases, firefights and explosions - even mid-bridge punchout between Owns and Cortez - but nothing that's actually all that exciting to watch.  Its like director Kim Jee-woon understood what people liked about movies like Die Hard without actually understanding why they liked it in the first place.

When it really comes down to it, you'd probably be better off rewatching Total Recall or Terminator 2 than checking out The Last Stand.  While not quite a waste of time, it does feel like a very "by the numbers" action movie that gives audiences what it thinks that they want, rather than what they actually want.  I sincerely hope that Schwarzenegger's return to the big screen will be defined by better movies than this sub-par production.  In the end , I give the film a decent 4.5 out of 10 and Becky gives it a 6.5.

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Netflix Update: What's Leaving Us on November 1st

In which I report on the upcoming changes to Netflix.

Well, it's that time of the month again: time for the changing of the guard.  All told, fifty-eight films and tv shows will be leaving Netflix at the end of the month, so this week is your last chance to fit it all of those movies you've put off until later because you always thought that they were going to be there.

It seems to me that there's a higher-than-average turnover of really good movies this month.  American Psycho is basically Wall Street meets The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - the perfect blend of 80s excess, 70s violence and a contemporary comedic aesthetic.  The Big Chill is a remarkably powerful film about a group of friends who reunite at a friend's funeral after years of growing apart from one another.  Les Miserables is an incredibly underrated drama based on Hugo's celebrated novel that sadly loses out to the staggering popularity of its musical adaptations.  La Bamba and The Buddy Holly Story are twin portrayals of the infamous "day the music died," depicting the lives of Ritchie Valence and Buddy Holly.  If not for Guardians of the Galaxy, Serenity would be hands-down the single best sci-fi film about a dysfunctional band of space-faring outlaws ever produced.  Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Candyman, Footloose, Single White Female and even the incredibly flawed Red State will all be missed.

Ultimately, though, there are three films that I am definitely making a concerted effort to watch before they disappear from the streaming service: Apocalypse Now, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.  All three are movies scheduled to appear on future Date Night reviews.  Apocalypse Now is one of my favorite movies and one that I'm sure Becky will enjoy.  We've held off on the latter two Dollars films because of our inability to locate the first one (and I will not watch sequential films out of order).  I actually spent a Barnes & Noble gift card to buy a severely discounted BluRay of A Fistful of Dollars this last weekend (thanks Grandma!) and will be damned if I miss out on watching its sequels now.

I might try to show a few more to Becky if there's time between now and when they go poof (The Big Chill is one that I think she'd particularly enjoy), but those would just be icing on the cake.  If I get the above three done in the next week, I'll be happy.

So which movies are you all going to try to cram in before November 1st?  Which movies are you going to be especially sad to see go?  Let me know in the comments section.  The full list of titles that will no longer be available are listed below.

101 Dalmatians (1996)

American Psycho (2000)

Apocalypse Now (1979)

Apocalypse Now Redux (2001)

Balibo (2009)

The Big Chill (1983)

Blown Away (1992)

Bob the Builder (1999-2012)

Breezy (1973)

Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986)

Broadcast News (1987)

The Buddy Holly Story (1978)

Bullet Proof Monk (2003)

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

Candyman (1992)

Caveman (1981)

Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie (1980)

Cloak & Dagger (1984)

The Conqueror Worm (1968)

The Dogs of War (1980)

Elvis ’56 (1987)

The Escape Artist (1982)

Footloose (1984)

For a Few Dollars More (1965)

Fire in Babylon (2010)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)

The Great Outdoors (1988)

Hammett (1982)

Hannibal (2001)

He Said, She Said (1991)

Heat Wave (2011)

Iceman (1984)

King Solomon’s Mines (1985)

Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold(1987)

La Bamba (1987)

Les Miserables (1998)

The Ninth Gate (1999)

The Odessa File (1974)

One from the Heart (1982)

Orca: The Killer Whale (1977)

The Prince of Tides (1991)

A Raisin in the Sun (2008)

Red State (2011)

Say Anything (1989)

Serenity (2005)

Silent Running (1971)

Single White Female (1992)

Small, Beautifully Moving Parts (2011)

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)

Starman (1984)

Steel Magnolias (1989)

Tetro (2009)

Thelma & Louise (1991)

Thomas & Friends (2005-2012)

Tortilla Soup (2001)

Trees Lounge (1996)

Under the Tuscan Sun (2003)

Up at the Villa (2000)

Vigilante Force (1976)

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The Weekend Review: Cool World

In which I review a selection of last weekend's entertainment.

Aside - As I settle in down South, this looks like it's going to be my last week of "catch up" around here.  Next week should see me settling into my new posting schedule for good.  Also, thanks to Becky and Melissa, it looks like I should be able to continue reviewing Arrow, The Flash and South Park.

Those of you who have stuck around for a while will remember how, despite my best efforts to the contrary, I was unable to convince Becky that she she did not actually want to watch I Spit on Your Grave for one of our Date Nights.  I told her that it was not enjoyable in the traditional sense, that it dealt with an excessively uncomfortable subject matter and even that it was grossly inappropriate for the holiday season.  But no matter what I said to dissuade her, she was adamant that that was the movie that she wanted to see.

This last weekend saw a near-identical repeat of impotent dissuasion.  When it came out that one of our friends had not seen the hyper-sexual Cool World, nothing could stop the inevitability of us showing it to him: not that it is a pornographic rip-off of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, not that its plot is riddled with the worst kind of post hoc logic and not its shockingly low productions values, mostly featuring reused stock animation from Tex Avery's reject pile.  It was going to happen and nobody with the sense enough to try could do anything at all to stop it.

But at that point, what can you do, really?

After crossing into an animated dimension known as Cool World in the post-war 1940's, veteran Frank Harris becomes a detective to uphold its one rule: humans ("noids") do not have sex with doodles.  To do so would damage "the inter-world matrix," resulting in the annihilation of both the 3-D world and Cool World.  That's right; Brad Pitt's character is a professional cock block.  And, given that he's the only human in Cool World, that's just exceedingly sad.

Despite the apocalyptic risks, doodle vixen Holli Would (see what they did there?) is so desperately obsessed with the 3-D world that she lures cartoonist Jack Deebs to Cool World for the sole purpose of seducing him which, incidentally, will transform her into Jessica Chastain and allow her to cross over into the 3-D world.  Yeah, I know... I know.  Just go with it.

Poor schlub.  If only he knew that she was using him for sex.

While I understand the reason why the movie looks the way that it does, that's still no excuse for it.  Rather than blending the physical set pieces with the superimposed animation, the 2-D, painted, wooden props actually stick out like the furnishings of Peewee's Playhouse.  They emphasize, rather than lessen, the surreality of the mis-en-scene and constantly remind the viewer just how inherently wrong everything looks.  It is a complete visual overload: too much, too soon, too often.  Like the stark, unrelentingly white lighting of Dogville or the set design of Moulin Rouge!, it physically hurts to watch this movie.

The film's script is essentially a non-entity: only there because there technically had to be something to sandwich between strip teases and sex with an off-brand Jessica Rabbit.  Things happen, then are only explained as an after thought: and, even then, poorly.  And, when plot and eroticism prove incapable of stretching out its run time to the necessary length, random cut-away animations of cartoon violence and depravity are inserted.

While noids and Doodles having sex being bad was hammered in since Detective Harris first arrived on the scene, the centrally important reason why is only  revealed over an hour into the film, after it's already happened.  It's never explained why or how Noids can travel between worlds, only that sometimes - when necessitated by plot - it happens.  It's never explained what "The Spike of Power," really is, why it had to be implanted at the top of a casino nor why Professor Whiskers - who I'm sure many of you will be shocked to discover is not a cat - had to cross over to Vegas to put it there.  It's never explained why he never returned to Cool World nor why he was able to cross between worlds as a doodle, given that noids are seemingly the only beings able of doing so.

Only after Harrison dies is it revealed that noids killed by doodles are resurrected as doodles themselves: something that is obviously happened often enough in Cool World as to become common knowledge.  Given that Harrison's personal narrative was never any more complex than "I want to have sex with my doodle girlfriend, but I can't because I'm a noid," it's absolutely flabbergasting that nobody there ever capped him as a favor.  As the film's denouement, it is a supremely unsatisfying retcon in order to check off the requisite happy ending.

When it really comes down to it, Cool World is a few precious money shots away from being a uniquely-themed porno.  Its only draws are the sexual exploitation of Holli Would and the visual appeal of Jessica Chastain.  When like-minded dreck like Monkeybone utimately do a better job of creating a surrealistic landscape born from the presumed imagination of a tortured cartoonist, you know that the film in question is a hot mess.  I feel exceedingly generous in giving it a 2.5 out of 10.

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